If you’re like most people, your sex education in high school was focused on preventing babies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). And, likely, it didn’t even do that well. Most of us don’t have nearly enough information when we reach adulthood to navigate our sexual lives the way we need to. When I spent ten years marketing sex toys to adults, I learned this personally. And I see that every day on OkaySo, the app I operate, where we address sex-related issues from kids who aren’t getting the answers they need, as well as adults who have been living with shame for years.

The top ten things I believe every adult should know about sexuality to have the joyful, healthy sex life they deserve are listed below. You’ll notice that these aren’t your normal “10 things that will drive your lover insane” list; instead, they’re the deeper qualities that we all need.

Fact 1: We enter the bedroom on our own.

Outside of who we are for the rest of our life, sex does not exist. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we bring all of the messages we’ve gotten from our families, history, and culture into our sex lives. He instills feelings of guilt and humiliation in us that we may not be able to shake off on our own. We must spend time diving into those signals and learning to disrupt and distrust the negative ones to understand ourselves and be present in our sex lives genuinely.

Fact 2: Sexuality is a journey, not a destination.

When we’ve “finished” discovering our sexuality, there’s no purpose in continuing. We can change who we like, what we want, and how we like it from day to day, month to month, or even across our lifetimes. He is very normal, and it is something we should celebrate in ourselves and our partners.

Fact 3: Our spouses cannot read our minds.

I understand that it appears to be a simple task, but I’ve seen far too many couples battle with it. We must use words to describe how we feel, what we enjoy, and what we require. Our partners are unable to solve this problem on their own. How do we have these sometimes thorny discussions? There was a great deal of open and honest conversation, as well as a willingness to be vulnerable and some excellent listening.

Fact # 4: Everyone is unique.

“Which one is the best?” was the most common question I was asked during my many years of marketing sex toys. True, because there’s no such stuff as reality. “best,” only what is best for you. That is true not just for sex toys, but for everything. Everyone is different – what one person finds too rough, another finds too soft, and what one person dislikes, another enjoys. It is what makes sex enjoyable! We get to discover new things about ourselves and others.

Fact 5: There is no such thing as “good” sex.

There is no single way to feel or think, act to be a good sex partner, or have a successful sex life. There isn’t a certain amount of sex you need to have (and most people don’t have as much as you believe), a certain way you need to feel, or a certain trick you need to learn. It can be anything you want or require.

Fact #6: Pleasure is important.

Our partners and pleasures are worthy of equal attention, care, and interest. If you’re only interested in your satisfaction and not your partner’s, or vice versa, if you’re only interested in your partner’s pleasure and not your own, it’s important to consider why this is happening and what you can do about it.

Fact 7: Orgasms are wonderful, but they’re not necessary.

There is a lot of time, effort, and stress to determine whether orgasms are occurring in a sexual relationship. While orgasms are enjoyable (to be sure), they should not be the exclusive “objective.” Pleasure, intimacy, and connection are fantastic goals to pursue without the stress of climax. Obsessing over orgasm can make it more difficult to accomplish. So focus on bonding first, and orgasms will follow if they happen.

Fact #8: The clit is the place to be.

The fact that 75% of people with clitoris need to be stimulated to have an orgasm is important. I’ve spoken with that convinced something was wrong with them because penetrative sex didn’t feel great. The clitoris, on the other hand, is the only organ in the human body that exists entirely for pleasure. It’s extraordinary because it has 8,000 nerve endings and extends back into the body.

Fact #9: The size of your penis is normal.

Did you know that penis size is the most often Googled sex question?

Our culture has instilled in us that larger penises are always more appealing, yet this is just not true. The vaginal and anus tissues are erectile and flexible. They don’t need to be a certain size to feel full; instead, they extend to encompass whatever is piercing them. Is there anyone who enjoys having their stomachs stuffed to the brim? Yes. Is there anyone else who finds this painful and unsettling? Yes, as well. So don’t worry if you’re average. Instead of believing that the size of your penis will provide your partner pleasure, focus on what pleases them.

Fact number ten is that sex toys are fantastic.

I’ve spoken with many people who believe that sex toys are reserved for people experiencing “problems” or who need to “spice things up.” I’m here to tell you that using sex toys may be fun whether you’re single or in a relationship. They can deliver stimulation that we can’t get any other way; they can assist us in achieving orgasms in novel ways; 

They can alter how we enjoy pleasure with a partner, plus a whole lot more. So, if you’ve been thinking, they’re only for “other people,” learn a little more and see what interests you.

I’m almost certain she taught none of these topics in your high school sex education classes. So don’t worry if a lot of this is new to you. She is your path, and wherever you are on it, you are where you should be. I hope your next steps, wherever they lead you, are full of wonder and delight.